Dear Salty Vixen, I have been married for six years and I have a two-year-old daughter. I made the biggest mistake in my life recently: I cheated my husband. I felt guilty about it and told my husband. He loved me so much that he has forgiven me. But, later I found out that he too had not been faithful to me. He had a relationship with another woman when I had given birth to my child. However, we love each other very much. He only told me about his affair though, because I had told him about mine.
I want to spend my whole life with him and I want my child to be happy, so I decided to forgive him as well. But, something still hurts in my heart. I just can't trust him the way I did before. He always wanted women with larger breasts. Unfortunately, I don't have big ones. Now, since learning about his affair, I have low self-esteem and no confidence at all. I wish that I could change my body so that my husband will be happy with me. I know deep down that he didn't have the affair just because of my body shape, but it still hurts. What can I do to get over this? -Trust Lost After An Affair
Dear Trust Lost After An Affair,
A break in trust is always going to hurt and have negative side effects. What you have to look at is how this is affecting your marriage right now. It seems to me that you haven't really had a chance to have a real heart-to-heart about how you're feeling. It would be very wise of you to confront your husband about ALL of the emotions you are holding back. You can want everything to be happy and like it was before, but you can't actually have it if you don't sort out all of things you are feeling. Somewhere along the line you have to figure out for yourself how you can trust him again.
The best way to regain the ability to trust others, is to be able to trust yourself. My first suggestion for accomplishing this is to write down everything you've ever done against your partner. Be sure to include everything you can about what happened. Then, read what you wrote, fold up your papers and burn them. Those things are in your past, decide not to let them affect you today.
After that, sit down and write a code of conduct for yourself. List all of the things you will agree not to do, and the things you will do. Here is a small example of a personal code of conduct:
I will not talk badly about myself or any member of my family.
I will not be unfaithful to my husband.
I will be a good example for my daughter by having a loving marriage.
I will talk openly with my husband about things that are bothering me.
I will not lie to my husband.
Remember, only list things that you personally agree with. Use this as a guideline for how you will agree to behave as a person.
Then, sit down with your husband and talk about how you feel about the affairs. Tell him how much you love him, and you understand how you've both done things you regret. Let him know you want this marriage to work. Then, make a marital code of conduct that you will both agree to follow. When things go wrong, use this list as a reference point to help you handle disagreements.
I'd also like you to read a story by another woman in a similar situation. I know this will help you find the right perspective and motivation to talk with your husband about the problems you are facing. Click Here to Read the full story:
XOXO,
