My old man is an ass man. But not in the conventional sense.
I knew about the rubber bands of course. For as long as I could remember, he always had them, stashed in his pocket, tangled together like worms in a bait bucket. But it was much later that I finally made the connection between the rubber bands and the shapely ass targets he coveted.
I think I was about eight or nine when I figured it out. We were walking down the street. I don't remember why. He let go of my hand and dipped into his jacket pocket, where the rubber bands were kept. When he withdrew his hand, the rubber band was already in place, stretched taut between his thumb and forefinger. How he managed that I still don't know; I could never do it. The woman walking in front of us grabbed the pale flowered-print cheek of her ass with one hand and turned around with a sudden, distressed oink. She looked right at the old man, questioning. He tipped his hat and never broke stride. I too continued walking, secretly smiling, thinking it was pretty cool that the old man could get off a hip shot like that.
He especially enjoyed himself in restaurants. The waitresses were always distracted, and he could stage his assaults covertly, undetected. Usually they'd just pause and look around, or sometimes squeal just a little. Once or twice a platter was dropped. I always felt bad when that happened. My mother would redden and look down at her plate. That was how I knew that she was aware of the old man's fetish, too.
He's in his seventies now, and gets around with a walker. It's the only thing that keeps him vertical. Now and then he props himself up and grabs a rubber band out of his pocket, although it takes two hands to load because of his arthritis. With deadly accuracy, he takes aim and fires at the starched white bottoms of nurses as they trudged through the hallways. His hearing is lousy but he always knows when it hits home, even if they never make a sound. Then he smiles and nods, smiles and nods, his lust momentarily sated. I hope they don't catch on and take away his rubber bands.
