Ahh, Valentine’s Day. Sigh. Swoon. Won’t you be mine? Won’t you be my lover?

[RECORD SCRATCHES]

Let’s back that shit up.

Every year, without fail, I’m forced to write yet another posting saying pretty much all the same things. Like, if you can’t be romantic all year, you don’t deserve a lover. If you can’t remember to live with passion daily, then you’re wasting oxygen.

Sure, you can say, “Yeah, well, Valentine’s Day is good for young couples who are too busy — ”

[RECORD SCRATCHES]

Too busy? What, for each other? For knocking each other’s socks of with a quaking orgasm or two here and there? Too busy for head? Too busy for a stolen kiss in the corner of the kitchen? Too busy for a random, well-timed grope? Too busy for a lusty note snuck into a work lunch?

Being affectionate and caring isn’t ABOUT time. It’s not ABOUT schedules. It’s about ending the two feet between you on the sofa. It’s about stepping a foot closer to your lover when you’re talking, so you feel their breath on your skin or the buzzing of energy between you. It’s about making eye contact, engaging them as they speak. Touching when it’s unexpected, and lingering there a moment longer than necessary.

Being wanted and reminded you’re noticed by way of small little touches, glances, and the occasional kisses really takes just a few minutes a day. Five minutes daily could change these “dead fish” relationships. Connecting doesn’t really take a lot, it just takes you being present in that moment.

Living LIFE is about being present 365. It’s about finding a reason to enjoy THAT day. It’s not something we remember to do once a year. The same should be true of anything to do with love.

Sex, love, passion, romance… these are BIG things. They’re huge! They transform us as people! Feeling desired and loved and wanted, that’s not some “perk” of a relationship — that IS the relationship. That IS the relationship!

If you’re not having sex, you’re not cuddling, you’re not kissing, you’re not touching… what’s the point? Really? You’re FRIENDS, not lovers. I’m sorry, no, I don’t buy this whole “Well, after a while — ” argument that passion needs to die. I don’t. I won’t!

Some people keep it alive. It takes work. Relationships will NOT retain that snap-crackle-pop of a new love. Instead, they need to be kept alive by trying new things, by being active about it. One needs to remember life with passion and romance and sex requires a little extra thought and action, but the pay-off is enormous.

Look at the President of America! He finds the time for date night and romance. His swagger is that of a man who’s getting some, and Michelle looks pretty damned well-adjusted too. So if they’re getting laid, and they’ve been married 16 years, have two kids, and are kinda busy saving the world… well, what the hell’s the dead-fish-relationship excuse? Pathetic is what it is, probably, if you really think about it.

I can understand depression interfering with sex lives. I know tragedy and injury can derail things. That’s different. I’ve been there. MAN, does it interfere. THAT is different in every single case and can’t be written about in some flippant posting like this.

I’m talking about relationships where there’s just a new normal. Where everything’s an effort, communication doesn’t happen, and sex is never on the landscape. Not having sex but wanting it? Wow, what a crime. That’s active rejection, every single day. And it’s not fair, not to anyone. I do believe marriages can, and should, end for lack of sex. Being made to feel physically undesired on a daily basis is a terrible thing.

We already have to live our lives screwing up courage for daily existence, but to not even find confidence, trust, safety, and desire in our loves? Whew, asking a lot of anyone.

I know money worries are a distraction, but you know what’s also a distraction? A screaming orgasm. Yeah, you heard me. You can’t afford therapy, you can’t pay your bills, you can’t go out for dinner, you can’t even buy a new dress. So forget the clothes, forget the dinner, and get shaggin’. At least the Depression can be good for something. Sex — all you need’s a little lube, a lot of skin, and the time to get gasping. (And if you’re not committed, condoms.)

As for the rest of us, the Unfortunate Single who are Nobody Until Somebody Loves Us, well, we hate Valentine’s Day because, for a little while, no matter how big the fans we are about our lifestyle, we forget.

We’re manipulated into feeling alone. We’re besieged by people kissing, images of The Happy Morning After, and saccharine moments everywhere. It’s like Christmas, but worse, because then you can’t at least say “Well, the holidays are about family and friends, too…” because Valentine’s Day is about nothing else. Sex and commercialism.

Me, I’m still stuck in single, but taking applicants for Friend-With-Benefits. Because I’m honest, I know how much work a relationship is, and I don’t have it in me. I do, however, have raging hormones in me, raging because of two things — I’m getting active again, and Spring’s on the rise.

And those hormones raging are ENOUGH of a problem, thank you. Forcing me to do the whole Valentine’s-Day-Special-Episode-of-Every-Goddamn-Show-I-Watch thing, with the commercials on top, is JUST NOT HELPING. I’m sure I’m not alone.

But for all the no-touchie-touch relationships out there, there’s a reason more break-ups happen at this time of year than any other. Because they’re aware that, if not even Valentine’s Day can get them laid, it might be time to rethink things.

Know what Valentine’s Day really is? A boon for divorce lawyers. They’ll probably wake up on the morning of Monday, the 16th, and giggle with glee like it’s Christmas. “Oh, golly, ma! A new docket full of divorces?! For me?! Oh, YES, you should have!”

I say, boycott the day. Stay home. Have dirty sex. Don’t support it. Don’t buy flowers. Don’t give a gift. Wait a couple weeks. Do something special every day. Take a moment out. Leave love notes.  Steal a kiss. Give several small gifts over several days. Sleep in together, but don’t sleep. Do anything, everything it takes, to make things feel ALIVE again.

Because it’s not about a day on the calendar. It’s about life. It’s about being present and really living it. It’s about realizing that, if you do have someone, it’s a gift, and you’ve got to stop taking it for granted. Use it or lose it, Hallmark be damned.