Dear Salty Vixen,
My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. I have always enjoyed our sex, he’s passionate, patient, and has listened to what I like. In my opinion, it’s only gotten better with time. However, I have always felt like he doesn’t find it to be great sex. He never actually seems excited—just like it’s a task he has to get done. I know, because he has told me.
I have introduced new positions and have shared with him numerous times that I am open to just about anything he wants to try (cosplay, dirty talk, toys, other positions, watching porn together, etc.). Recently, I found out he’s been watching porn and hiding it. This only upset me because 1. I’ve always been open to it and he’s always put up a facade that he wouldn’t do that if he were with me 2. he seems to be seeking this out, even on nights when he knows we’re going to be together. I have never turned him down for sex. He eventually shared that he intentionally seeks out the “kinkier” or “weird stuff” as he put it. He also added that our sex is just “sex” and is only good for him because he is in love with me (which obviously, I find this sweet but I want him to have a carnal passionate need). Otherwise, he doesn’t find our sex all that hot.
This infuriated me. I feel like I am the one who has been open and adventurous and has suggested so many things, only for him to turn me down or seem uninterested. It makes me feel like crap that he is OK with settling for mediocre sex, and won’t even attempt to live out his fantasies with me. Am I not hot enough or worthy enough for him to try to have better sex with? Although this was crushing to hear, I did try to move on from these conversations since I am in love with him and I know he cares about me.
However, last night I initiated sex and was really enjoying it. On three different occasions, he looked disconnected or as if he just wanted it over (each time I saw this look was when I’d switch positions, to get my own head back in it and maybe help him return, too). At one point, I couldn’t anymore, and stopped and asked, “Are you into this?” He laughed, pushed me off of him, and said, “Sorry yeah, I just want you to finish already.” Does he just want to get it over and done with me? Why can’t he just be in the moment and enjoy what we’re doing together?
—Concerned My Boyfriend Doesn’t Find Me Sexy
Dear Concerned,
as you know, my name Salty Vixen, as an author of Smut.. erotica, writing fantasies is easy to do but my current boyfriend, when he found out I wrote that kind of stories, thought my fantasies are odd and I am an experience chick. Once he got to know me, my fantasies were just that. fantasies. Not weird. and I am very inexperienced.
With that said...
Your first question, asking if your boyfriend just wants to get it over with, has already been answered by him when he said, “I just want you to finish already.” He told you, with his actions and with his literal words, that he wanted to wrap things up. He’s told you that he considers sex with you a task to complete, that he doesn’t find your sex all that hot outside of his emotional connection to you. Believe him.
Once you’ve internalized the reality of your situation, you have some decisions to make. Is this enough for you? Can you enjoy sex that is a chore for your partner? Are you satisfied with a sex life without exploration and adventure? I think, since you’re writing into this column, that the answers to these questions are no, no, and no.
As for why he can’t “just” be in the moment with you, only he can answer that question. I’m almost certain, though, that it isn’t about “just” focusing or “just” connecting. Also, the word “just” in this context has a way of minimizing the other person’s experience, needs, and capacities. If it was as simple as “just” doing the thing you want him to do, he’d probably be doing it. He might have focus issues, he might have a bit of the madonna/whore complex going on and see you as someone who shouldn’t be “tainted” by the “weird stuff” he watches, or has opened up about his kinks with a previous partner and had a negative experience. He might feel that asking for the sex he desires is inappropriate in some other way. He might love you so much that it makes him want to overcome a fundamental absence of sexual attraction toward you.
Breaking up is absolutely an option. First, though, it seems like it’s worth an attempt to have a serious conversation about this. Make a list of questions, based on areas that you’re curious about. Maybe you’re wondering what his ideal sex life looks like. Maybe you’re curious about whether he’s ever gotten exploratory with a partner. You might express your affection and regard for him, before making it clear that your relationship cannot continue as it is, and tell him that you need—at the bare minimum—some more understanding of what’s going on on his end. If he’s willing and able to give you that, listen to what he has to say. Ask him to collaborate with you to find areas of overlap and compromise. If he can’t or won’t give you that, it’s time to move on.
