Dear Salty Vixen,
I’m a bisexual man in his mid-twenties. I was attacked by a man during a one-night stand in college. After that, I stopped having sex with men for a few years and only had sex with women. I also got in really good shape to try to help my confidence, but I still didn’t feel comfortable having sex with men until I met “Ellis.” Ellis is calm, smart, and considerate, and I love that he’s really kind to me and everyone he talks to. I felt comfortable around him as soon as we met, and we started dating. It’s been a year now. I’m comfortable having sex with him because, even though he’s taller and mostly tops, he’s very thin and I could defend myself if I needed to. I feel bad thinking that—like the only reason I feel comfortable having sex with him is I could hurt him if I had to.
What’s weird is I do enjoy it, we have great chemistry in bed, just if I start to feel nervous during sex, I picture how I could defend myself. But I don’t want to hurt him, in fact I’m starting to think Ellis might be “the one.” These thoughts are starting to make me not want sex. I haven’t told him about what happened yet, and I don’t even know where to start with how that has made me feel about sex. I’m terrified he’ll leave me if I tell him what I’ve been thinking. I also think he’ll be upset I didn’t say anything earlier and feel like I don’t trust him.
— Defensive
Dear Defensive,
Ellis’s hypothetical reaction within the imagined conversation about your assault you mention at the end of your letter is a projection. It’s 100 percent the product of your thinking. It has no more bearing on reality than the many and several extended back-and-forths I have with my cat. Your trepidation is understandable and certainly you are entitled to your feelings, but please don’t make decisions based on what someone might say, especially when that projection is a pretty bad-faith reading of a person whom you otherwise describe in such superlative language. If he is as kind as you say he is, there’s a good chance he’ll hear you out instead of immediately opting to leave you, if and when you’re comfortable revealing your trauma.
I think you should also reframe your consideration of his stature. His wispiness may help you feel comfortable, but it is one attribute among many that you appreciate about him. Packed into that wiry frame is someone whose intelligence, kindness, and calmness you’re also attracted to. Even if it sometimes feels that way, the picture you paint of your relationship suggests that your perceived ability to defend yourself against him is far from the only reason you feel comfortable having sex with him.
By the way, what kind of work have you done on your trauma? Have you seen a therapist? Have you read anything? Have you at all attempted to work through it? You only mention exercise, and it’s pretty obvious to me that you have more to resolve and may need help doing so. Look into that. It’s exponentially unfair, but unresolved trauma may play a role in relationship issues. At the very least, you don’t want to make your boyfriend your therapist—that may be a stressor on your relationship. Seek outside guidance if at all possible.
