The title, "How to Train Your Husband," sounds bad. Really bad. I know. You love your spouse, you are both mature adults, and he's not a dog. Who made you the master of your man, right? Still, I feel compelled to share this information because:
1. it's like a train wreck that you just can't take your eyes off of despite how gruesome and
2. it might work and wouldn't that be great? Don't worry, I won't tell anyone about your joy in this possibly working. It'll be our little secret.
Here's a brief rundown of the history of training husbands. From the beginning of time, there have been wives who have tried to use their feminine wiles to manipulate - err, improve - men. Through the years, pop psychologists and even a writer who had immersed herself in animal training (Amy Sutherland, author of What Shamu Taught Me about Life, Love, and Marriage, a 2009 reprint by Random House Trade Paperbacks) have claimed it possible to improve your marriage by executing Pavlov-style teaching methods. You can also read numerous articles (including this one now) on the subject online.
Now, you won't be spraying water in your hubby's face every time he grabs your boob or leaves his dirty underwear hanging like a flag on the bathroom door. But it's something akin to that. After researching the approaches these husband trainers have taken, here are the major takeaways:
1. Ignore bad behavior.
When hubby is stomping around your living room, frantically searching for the remote control, and blaming you for never putting it in the right place, just pretend he is not there. The theory is that if you react to these outbursts, then you're giving him attention. Husbands crave attention, so they'll repeat this behavior to get said attention, even if it's negative. It will never end. You will go mad.
2. Reward good behavior.
Since men crave attention, you need to pay attention to good behavior. So, when your husband does the laundry without prompting from you or brings you flowers for no reason, you should say, "Thank you." Better still, you should cuddle up to him on the couch, touch him, kiss him. In other words, make a big deal of his efforts. He'll like the fact that you showed interest in him - and possibly would be willing to have sex - and he'll be keen to repeat the positive behavior and get a similar reaction.
3. Use food as bait.
Sometimes, husbands hover or they simply do things around the house that annoy you. Maybe you're trying to clean the kitchen, and he won't stop inspecting the fridge. Or he insists on trying to "fix" things when he has no such skills. Distract him with food. The writer of the Shamu book put out chips and salsa, so her husband would leave her alone while she cooked. It worked.
4. Distract him with other stuff, too.
Not everyone will be enticed with food. If your spouse likes to play golf, score some hours on the green for him and send him out when you want to do the spring cleaning, for example. The point is that you can't do two things at once, and we're all more likely to opt to do the stuff we like best. So, give him the stuff he likes best at the moment when you need some me time to, say, soak in a hot bath...alone.
5. Use some common sense.
Just being kind to your spouse and avoiding nagging and unnecessary arguments is a great way to get a positive response. Recognize the benefits for you, too. There's less stress and maybe even more sex. (See "Reward good behavior.") If nothing else, you'll eat more chips and salsa or your snack of choice. There's nothing wrong with that.
