I am a survivor of NPD- Narcissist Abuse or Narcissistic personality disorder. I have recently started opening up about the narcissistic abuse I had endured on my social media page and my peers, either roll their eyes as they are in disbelief or unfriend me. I was bullied for 12 years during my school days. I am used to lack of emotional support (and I am an empath).
Dating has been hard because the Narcissist taught me trust is an issue. I have lived in fear far too long because of what the Narcissist has done and the sad part is, the Narcissist doesn't' realize the PTSD he has done to the victims. I hate saying victim as I am not a victim, I am a survivor of Narcissist Abuse.
Nobody knows the full story and I won't say it publicly but I will say this. I hope that nobody will ever endure what I endured. Walk a day in my shoes and you will understand what I had gone thorough. The panic attacks can happen during and after a relationship. For me, the panic attacks occurred once I opened up about my little company- Salty Vixen Stories & More. I knew people would judge and have the wrong assumption why I have the pen name- Salty Vixen, which I have said many times- Salty Vixen came from England when I was sexually assaulted 18 June 2004. That is when I first used the name I was a Vixen in a Salty Situation.
Once I opened it up. my panic attacks happened. I was an emotional mess and I shouldn't be because Salty Vixen is my company. It is MY thing. So I will say this - I was in a relationship with a Narcissist. Most of it was perfect , but once the love bombing worse off, I woke up and with a Narcissist, it is hard to say no to him. I always had a hard time saying no. He always had a way with me and when he was hot with me, things were good. We flirted, sexting, and a whole lot more but once the hot wore off and he got cold, he was mean to me. I emotionally couldn't understand what I did wrong.
Truth is. I did NOTHING wrong. I am an empath and I will say this- I still care about him and always have as I wish the best for him but I wonder, was I just a plaything or did he really care for me? Those are the questions victims of Narcissists have. When a Victim tells peers, they roll their eyes because the Narcissist turns the table to make the victim look crazy and the narcissist the hero. Sick isn't it?
I get panic attacks every so often when I am triggered. I have to remind myself that what happened was not my fault. I am strong. I am amazing and I am beautiful.
Remember, you are not crazy. You are not alone and friends & family, most of them don't want to to listen to the full story. Please don't be like me and carry this heavy burden, this guilt for years. It has been weighing heavy on me because..
As a Narcissistic Abuse Survivor, I will tell you, I still live in fear. I live in fear fo cyberbullying. I live in fear of people attacking me because they don't know the truth. I will say this, if a person is saying they are surviving narcissistic abuse, please listen and walk a mile in their shoes because when you find out the full story, you will take the victim's side and not the narcissist.
This is how the narcissist game works. They leave you with your head spinning so you're thinking about them constantly. Even if you're completely no-contact you are still continuing the relationship!
The problem is that you still believe the carefully cultivated image they create for themselves. You believe that somewhere inside is that good person you fell in love with. You sincerely hope they can get their head on straight and live a good life, in spite of all that's happened.
Eventually you will figure out that the image is a lie. It was all a lie, custom-tailored to you and your expectations. You don't want to believe this, but it is essential to come to terms with it, if you are going to heal.
Once you accept that it was a lie you will start to notice the red flags you missed. You will remember an incident and kick yourself for being so naive. You will start to understand the clever language they used to draw you in, in spite of yourself.
So remember, that is your only reason for thinking of them now: to understand how it all happened. If something about them comes to mind, that is its only purpose. If you cannot take a lesson from the thought, let it go.
To do otherwise expresses your intention to continue the relationship. If you are determined to end it, you must become indifferent to your interactions with this person, past and future. Concerning yourself with their actions or welfare perpetuates any relationship you have with them.
If you still haven't learned how to defend yourself from their tactics, it's likely you're giving yourself a panic attack whenever you think of interacting with them. You know that any interaction will go badly for you and instinctively panic.
To make it stop, you have to stop concerning yourself with this person, or they will keep hurting you.
The lessons that you need to learn are hiding just beyond your field of view. You will not be able to see them until you shift your gaze away from the narcissist and focus on yourself instead.
Remember, your ex narcissist might not physically be around you, but due to the internet world, they lurk. They check up on the victim to make sure you are not talking about them. To make sure you are not with anyone else. I have lived in fear far too long and I am now starting standing up for myself. What the narcissist did was NOT okay. I will always care about him as us Empaths we do care but the hurt what the narcissist did will remain....
