I’m always talking about how important communication is.
I always hear from women who are complaining that their lovers don’t do what they like, or from men who wish they knew what their women want. It goes both ways. I think the biggest problem tends to be, though, that a lot of women feel really uncomfortable talking about sex in basic, blunt ways. Said it before, and I’ll say it again. I know it’s the case because I, too, used to feel all dirty inside when I said things like “sex” and “orgasm” and
“erection.” But lookit me now, ma! Sex! Orgasm! Erection!
I was asked yesterday by Fran from Ireland whether or not I find myself being perceived as being slutty merely for the fact that I write about sex. I answered that no, I don’t tend to find that. I’m sure it happens, though. A lot of men, however, seem to really appreciate the fact that I’m sexually aware of what and how I like sex to be.
There’s a world of difference, I think, in my writing matter-of-factly about sex compared to, say, someone writing about dripping hard cocks and getting fucked silly in the backroom of a party. Not that there’s anything wrong with either of those, of course. Heh. But the same thing goes in conversation.
You can talk about a movie? You can talk about sex.
I ran into a quote today that is more about life in general, but that I find to be profoundly apt when it comes to talking about sex, something I think every sexually timid person needs to hear. It goes like this:
Be who you are
and say what you feel
because those who mind
don’t matter
and those who matter
don’t mind.
To that end, I once had a letter about a couple who had an LDR (long distance relationship) and somehow, some way, despite all those 100s of miles between them, being apart brought them closer together. They had to actually really say things now because all they had were words. She was writing him letters and they started getting into the topics of sex. Along the way, she found the courage to tell him that she was having r*pe fantasies with him being her attacker, and she wanted to know if they’d be able to bring them to fruition when his tour finally ended. He felt touched that she trusted him enough to finally admit this thing that was wracking her with guilt. He was worried about how to pull it off, because he really wanted to make it happen in a way that would be worth the wait.
And I hear that from most men who finally have partners who trust them with their innermost fantasies. They’re proud that they’ve been entrusted with this and they want to do it justice. Or so has been my experience both through correspondence re: this blog, and in real life with my own lovers.
It’s like I said a few days ago, I finally opened up to the world I am Salty Vixen. I was worried that I would be judged due to the trauma I had experienced growing up by the bullies. Once I opened up and told my former classmates, everything was okay. I had nothing to worry about.Although a few were asking me Salty Vixen ,really?
I was sexually assaulted 18 June 2004 on a polo field at 10:45PM-when I uttered the words "I was a Vixen in a Salty Situation". Only few who knew me from back to middle school era said "Salty, come on. With all the trauma you experienced growing up, what is the real meaning?"- So I finally opened up to myself the truth I had been avoiding, that I blocked out for years because that was the only time I have ever had those dark feelings and only one person, at the time, knew about it.- I was bullied real bad in middle school to the point one day when I was called an Ugly Dog in front of the entire 8th grade class during lunch (everyone laughed), at my modeling job, people came to the mall, and said "FUCK YOU, SALTY, DIE, SALTY DIE"- said people wrote on a poster board "DIE, EVERYONE HATES YOU". (I have a photographic memory and that was trauma, so that is why I remembered that for so long... I am totally over it now but, yes it did bother me for years as I had nobody to talk to)
I had another classmate nearly slapping me because I did more work in class than he wanted and so on. The ugly dog took the icing on the cake and I remember running to the pay phone to call home- I was going to end my life as at the time, I felt , there was nothing worth living for as my peers didn't care.
Took one person, who I will always call my hero to stop me and saved my life. I guess, for the longest time, I went back in time to that moment when I am stressed or worried- to that point when the bullying was so bad for me and that is what Salty Vixen really is- confident. sexy. beautiful and I don't give a fuck anymore.
I have done a lot of things but it took that 'hero', to give me a hug and tell me life is worth living for. He was right and still is right. Also, to those former bullies reading this blog, thank you for making me who I am today. I lived in Europe, was part of Sentebale, charity (a Patron), knew Prince William and Harry as well as many other royals all due to polo. Life really is worth living for and life is beautiful. Now I am divorced, my quest is to find my Mr. Salty Vixen, he is out there... somewhere...
Some secrets aren’t made for keeping. What you want to experience will never, ever happen if you don’t have the courage to speak of it. Sure, it’s hard. But it gets easier. And the more you do it, the more you won’t need to say in the future.
I swear, I’d give a money-back guarantee if your communication about sex improves, and your sex life does not. The two go hand in hand. Talking = Better Orgasms. It’s about as remedial as math gets.
Sex is the only time we get to be who we really are. Our soft underbellies get exposed and our animalistic interiors come out to play. It’s supposed to be that way. What the hell are you ashamed of? Come out, come out, wherever you are, and indeed – be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter won’t mind.
(It turns out it's none other than that sage bard, Dr. Seuss, who wrote the above quote.)
